My Long Journey back to Christ

Hello lovelies. 

It's been a while. Apologies for that. 

I have been inspired to write as there has been a huge change in my life. It'll be a long one so let's just grab a coffee or tea or bubble tea, kick off your shoes, sit/lie down and relax. 

Some of you would have known this: I was fortunate to be born in a blessed family in Singapore (a sovereign island city-state in the middle of Southeast Asia 1°17′N 103°50′E with a population of 5.68 million according to World Bank 2018). 

My paternal side of the family are Peranakan and have been residing in Singapore and serving the British Colony as pretty high ranking government officials even before World War I happened. But we lost everything when World War II came and took the lives of my great grandparents leaving my grandfather and his family separated for good and to fend for themselves. My grandfather was a brave man that served as a colonel in the Great British Army. Fun fact: My grandma actually had the opportunity to meet and speak to Queen Elizabeth in person at one of the British Army's Ball.

On the other hand, my maternal family originated from a small city in China with my mother being a second generation Singaporean. My maternal grandma was just 5 years of age when the Japanese army invaded her town. She survived because her mother shoved her into the cellar with her younger brother. 

My paternal grandfather was a Catholic but he converted to Taoism for my grandma whilst my mother converted from free thinker to Taoism for my dad. From here, you can tell, our family has strong taoist roots.

Growing up, I was a carefree child with a smooth-sailing childhood who just followed pretty much whatever my parents asked of me, and I loved singing - I was singing songs from Celine Dion, Carpenter's etc from the age of 2. I dreamt of becoming a world-class singer and I never gave my religion much of a thought as it felt like a family thing. 

The first crisis of my life hit when I was 12 years old. My father was diagnosed with leukaemia (AML and ALL which progressed to CML and CLL) in 2006. I remember my mother taking us into a room, sat us all down and told us frankly something along the lines of, "Daddy is very very very sick and he may pass away at any time. Medical treatments are on the way but there's no certainty it'll succeed". I remember the 12 year old me breaking down and asking, "Is it expensive? Take all my money from my bank and piggybank. It's a rainy day". 

My dad then underwent a bone marrow transplant in 2007 which changed his blood type from B+ to O+. By God's grace, he made it through the procedure but he was met with another hurdle as graft-versus-host disease (GVHD) wrecked his body. We watched helplessly as he entered ICU and HD multiple times for prolonged periods of time; we spent Christmases, New Years, Chinese New Years and almost every holiday you can possibly think of just sitting in the waiting rooms of ICUs and hospitals. But he persevered on, made it through and continued for us. He's a real trooper. 

Even in those circumstances and hospital bills easily in 5 digits, my parents still continued to provide the best that they could for us which included violin lessons for me (hefty $60/h). 

I remembered being inspired by the medical team, and for the first time in my life I wavered in both my faith and dream - I started to doubt my religion as a Taoist and I started to have this inkling and dream of becoming a doctor because I genuinely wanted to help others, to take away their pain and to be able to properly take care of my father. 

My first encounter with Christianity happened back when I was 14 years old. One of my good friends converted to Christianity and she invited me to one of her cell group (CG) gathering. I didn't know what was going on but I was intrigued. However, we were separated when streaming happened and we were segregated into different classes.

But our faithful God placed another close friend in my life. She grew up in a Christian household and over time, I became part of their family whereby I'm always welcomed at her home at any time. I became close friends with her brother, her best friend and even attended service and CG with her. 

When I was about 15-16, I remembered discussing about my religion for the first time ever with my father. He started telling me about how my grandfather was Catholic, and how he'll always love and accept me no matter what I choose to believe in and follow.

However, shortly after that conversation, my father passed away in the early morning of 4 December 2010 from hospital acquired pneumonia secondary to being immunocompromised from the immunosuppressants he took post-transplant, complicated by GVHD which wrecked his body from inside out. 

My life truly became grey. I went through the following 4 years feeling numb and looking back, everything then was a blur. How I got through the first 2 years was just being driven by one of my father's deathbed wish - for me to go to university and graduate with a general degree (which was something he didn't managed to do) before deciding to pursue music. I pushed my grief aside and studied hard for him - I remember being one of the top scorers in my secondary school for GCE O Levels but even going up on stage to collect my results didn't being me joy but instead emptiness. My cousin had to apply for JCs for me as I didn't want to do anything. Fast forward 2 years, I graduated with 4As and 3 Bs for my GCE A Levels with rank points high enough to enter pretty much most university courses in Singapore and was awarded a ministry scholarship for my university course. 

But at what cost? I forgot how my father looked or sounded like because my mind blocked all memories of him, I was distant from my family and friends, I didn't know who I was. I ended up going through an abusive relationship as well that spiralled my self-esteem to rock bottom. I didn't even believe that I was smart enough, that I deserve to live - that I should have died instead of my dad because he was the light of the family and I just wasn't enough - that I wasn't beautiful enough, that I can't sing nor play the violin well. I remember having panic attacks so severe that I would just crumble to the ground. I have submitted blank test papers as well; and fell from being a A to minimum B student to a B minuses, C and even D student. Being called to the head office of my scholarship board every semester sadly became the norm. I felt like I didn't have any purpose in my life as I have completed what my dad wanted me to do. 

Suddenly, at my third year of University (2015), God's grace came through. I asked for help from God (or rather at that time I said God or whoever it is up there who can hear me), something shifted within me and it clicked - I had 2 close friends from university who were always there through every highs and lows, I managed to reconnect with my secondary school close friend and went back to church and CG with her slightly more regularly, I passed my auditions and was accepted into The Vocal Consort, my grades started going up (however, it did not manage to pull up my GPA/CAP much as I was too far into my university course for my CAP to waver much), and I even prayed for the first time (albeit not using Jesus' name as I didn't know how to pray properly). 

'So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. ' - John 16:22-24 (ESV)

In The Vocal Consort, I was exposed to and singing songs like Entreat Me Not To Leave (Ruth 1:16-17), When David Heard, Agnus Dei (Lamb of God), Beati Omnes (Psalm 127, 128), Otche Nash (The Lord's Prayer - Matthew 6:9-13, Luke 11:2-4), O Nata Lux, Hallelujah, Psalm 121. 

'But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” '- Ruth 1:16-17 (ESV)

'Pray then like this: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. '- Matthew 6:9-13 (ESV)

'I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.' - Psalm 121:1-8 (ESV)

Graduation came and pre-registration training started. It was possibly one of the most stressful year of my life - being constantly told I wasn't competent enough, that I don't deserve to be here, that I should have been able to recite recommendations across different guidelines for a wide array of conditions, that I was the slowest and weakest link of my batch, numerous assignments to submit, presentations to prepare for, exams and vivas to sit for etc. Coupled with me feeling out of place in my close friend's church and CG as well as some of their mentors were pushing for me to convert, I left her church and CG. I left The Vocal Consort as well for personal reasons that didn't sit well with the then exco. 

But God, our faithful shepherd, did not give up. 

'So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbours, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. ' - Luke 15:3-7 (ESV)

In the mid of my post-graduation year 2 or 6 months after I got my licence (early 2019), I met my current best friend for the first time and we reconnected late 2019 when he was posted back to the same hospital. At this point in time, I was overwhelmed with work, politics, family issues, and was leaving the hospital anywhere between 7 to 11pm (started work at 8.30am) but things were looking up and getting better. 

One day in Dec 2019, I was scrolling through the internet and I chanced upon this verse: 'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ' Back then I did not know it was a bible verse and I shared it with our group of friends. My best friend kindly PM-ed me and told me that this verse was from Matthew 6:21. Intrigued, I asked him to elaborate more. 

Subsequently, on 4 April 2020, my best friend introduced me to the Bible and started reading the book of Luke with me over a cup of ice tea. I remember being so excited to read the word of God that I would easily go through 3 chapters of Luke per day; I even managed to read through the whole Gospel of Luke before my birthday!

I started attending Sunday services online as well with Hunter Bible Church (HBC, Newcastle, Australia) from 5 April onwards. And my best friend taught me how to pray properly. 

Eventually on Easter weekend 2020 (10-12 Apr), after listening to HBC's sermons, my daily Bible readings coupled with much thoughts and reflections on my side, I was moved by God's love for us and I was finally ready to accept Christ into my heart. 

'If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. '- 1 Corinthians 13:3-8 (ESV)

'For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. '- Romans 5:6-11 (ESV)

For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.” - 2 Corinthians‬ ‭8:9‬ ‭(ESV‬‬)

Attending HBC's Life Series (23 Apr to 21 May 2020) was incredibly helpful as it enabled us to explore the fundamentals of Christianity in a small group setting at a more comfortable and slower pace such as the true meaning and purpose of life, the historical reliability of the bible, sin, the cross and resurrection. Following the Life Series, I attended a couple of sessions of Christianity Explored where we delved into the gospel of Mark as a small group with some Bible studies reflection/discussion questions that we went through together which helped me to think through and discuss things I may not have thought through if I were to read through the passages alone. 

I was and still am really grateful for the opportunity to attend HBC's Church online and both series as it enabled me to meet some incredible people from HBC as well as helped me to explore, truly understand and delve into the nitty gritty of Christianity at a slower pace than normal sermons as well as build a stronger foundation for my future readings and study. 

Converting to Christianity wasn't an easy decision to make as I was prepared to and I did eventually faced resistance from my family and extended family. Honestly, initially, I was terrified to come out as a Christian in view of my family's beliefs and I was afraid of how they would react. Only my best friend and a handful of close friends knew that I converted. My best friend did say to me that eventually I had to be open about my faith and I can't keep hiding it. The day came shortly after when my family found out whilst I was attending Church online. I had to stand my ground, explain and defend my beliefs. 

' Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ' - James 1:2-6 (ESV)

' “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. ' - Matthew 7:13-14 (ESV) 

'For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. '- Hebrews 12:10-11 (ESV)

'So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” '- Hebrews 13:6 (ESV)

' Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ' - Philippians 4:4-7 (ESV)

'For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.' - 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (ESV)

Eventually, after much convincing and persuasion, my family accepted it. 

On 22 Jun 2020, I received my first very own Student Study Bible (ESV) from my best friend as a belated birthday present which was one of the most meaningful and exciting present I have ever received in my life. That indescribable and inexplicable joy when you flip your own Bible for the first time. 

To top things up, I started seeing God's hand and work in many areas of my life which truly never ceases to amaze me and make me feel God's love. I started becoming more patient, understanding and slower to anger. Yes, things are still difficult and tough at times, but I had a change in my perspective and I started seeing difficulties in my life as God's gift to help me grow, mature and become a better person. I complained, whined, ranted and speak bad about others lesser. Furthermore, it was incredible seeing my prayers answered one by one such as my family became more patient and understanding with one another and we had lesser arguments at home, that I have the capacity and strength to care and do more for others. I started to rely lesser on my heart and feelings, and trusted God and submit in prayer instead. And I no longer felt lonely nor frightened nor insecure as I know our God will always be with us and He will provide for us. I started to have and start/build/reconnect with a community of brothers and sisters in Christ. The emptiness and void that I felt when my dad passed away was being filled by God's words and love, and I started seeing meaning, love and true happiness flow back into my life once more. 

' Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ' - Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

' Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. '- James 1:19-21 (ESV)

' “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ' - John 15:1-7 (ESV)

'Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” '- Luke 6:30-31,37-38 (ESV)

'And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ' - Romans 8:28 (ESV)

'Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ' - Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)

'And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ' - John 14:16-19 (ESV) 

'Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. '- 1 John 4:7-8 (ESV)

'You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.' - Psalm 16:11 (ESV) 

Looking back, I realised that God has been really patient with me. He has never given up on me and continued pursuing and providing for me all these years even though I have only recently decided to follow Jesus. 

'The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. '- 2 Peter 3:9 (ESV)

Readings-wise, I have completed the Gospel of Luke, Ruth, Acts, worked my way through the first 10 chapters of Genesis, and almost completing James. Furthermore, I have also been reading Jon Bloom's "God's ways are not your ways. Don't Follow Your Heart" which has been a real eye-opener. 

My journey with Christ so far has been indescribable - nothing short of amazing and incredible. Everyday is a humbling experience as I learnt more about Christ, myself and seeing His hand and work in my life; I'm ever so grateful to our heavenly Father for all the blessings and love He had so generously bestowed upon us. Overall, I felt like I have gained so much insights from the sermons, HBC's Life Series and all my readings; I have learnt and grown so much in these past 3.5 months and I can't wait to see what the future brings. 

'The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.' - Psalm 23:1-6 (ESV)

'Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”'- Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

'And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. '- Luke 11:9-10 (ESV)

'For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. '- Ephesians 2:8-9 (ESV)

May God bless everyone who chances upon this and may more people come to know Christ like I have. Have a great week ahead!